"I'm gonna eat Kerri, but not out."~Lisa
"I'm playing 'Dirty Minds.' I'll come in a minute."~Lisa
"Man, I wish I'd worn MY hot giraffe pants tonight!"~Catherine, making fun of Tiffany
"My parents are gonna be pissed when they get home form Ireland. They'll be facing a broken Volvo AND a broken vulva!"~Lisa
"I forgot you used to work here! You're old school Stop and Shop. Dude, you were like the Brat pack of this place!"~Nicole, on my brief and hellish employment at Stop and Shop
"I think that if I was a man I'd look at other mens' penises in public restrooms."~Kerri
"You look hott! And I'm spelling that with two 't's."~Kerri, to Lisa, while trying to convince her to buy a shirt.
Kerri: I love how we think we're funny but no one else does.Lisa: A lot of people think we're funny.
Kerri: I know.
"I love how all I think about now every time I watch a Colin Firth movie is how when we have kids-not if, when--we have kids, they'll have super curly hair."~Kerri, one step closer to getting that restraining order.
"Here's Kerri's 'Generalization of the Day': I love all people with the last name Potter. Think about it. We have Russell, Joey, and Harry. What's not to like?"~Kerri
"It's like Mother Earth was singing it!"~Nicole
"I should get something for putting nothing."~Nicole, on the scoring system of Scattegories
***Good Times at Stop and Shop*** Nicole: What's the converstion for pounds to fuck-loads? Get a fuckload!Catherine: I'm not paying for a fuck-load of blueberries!
***Life*** Kerri: And then you're 40 and you have all these kids and they're like 'Mom, Mom!', And you're like 'SHUT THE FUCK UP!' and then you 'accidently' stab one and then they take your kids away from you.Catherine: And then you're too old to have more kids, so you kill yourself in a car accident but no one cares that you're dead because you're old, you're 40!"
"What are you going to do- write a book about it? Why don't I kiss your ass and make it a romance?!"~Catherine
Dr. Feldstein: I mean, if I was lecturing and you all had your heads down on your desks, what would that say about me, as a professor?Kerri: You suck?
"Feeling the pressure huh? It's like when you have to pee, but then you go into a public bathroom and get stage fright!" Kerri, scaring Ben
"How old were you when you were 11?" Nicole, demonstrating why she was accepted into the honors program
"First of all- who has time? And second of all- if you do have time- why aren't you wasting it?"~Kerri
"Did you guys know Kerri macked it with two gay guys?"~Lisa
"You're not gonna do better than Ben."~Kerri, to Lisa
Lisa: Kerri, can you loan me another couple of dollars so I can get french fries?Nicole: Yeah, and actually, I'm gonna need a couple of dollars for dessert.
Lisa: And when we're done here, could you pay my car insurance?
***Reasons You Shouldn't Lose Your Temper, and Things You Should Never, Ever, Say*** Dr. Magyar: Can anybody tell me the geometric shape of this molecule?Kerri(seeing the people who actually have a clue about Chemistry aren't going to speak): Um, Trigonal biplanar, right?
Dr. Magyar(looks at Kerri as if she was high on crack and called on Ajman, who knew all).
Ajman: Trigonal Planar.
Dr. Magyar: Exactly!
Kerri: I was off by a FREAKING PREFIX!
"Sweet! This can be a hand-eating party!"~Lisa
"So, ya know how we thought Jesus was hot...?"~Kerri, to Catherine, on the actor who played Jesus in Godspell
"I'm asking for a video camera for Christmas, because if I'm going to England next year, I want that to be...video...uh, tapedness."~Kerri, at a loss for words
"Kerri, you're never getting married anyway!"~Lisa, to Kerri, on why she shouldn't waste her time reading bridal magazines (I would just like to say: OUCH!)
***The gals are studying for their chemistry exam.*** Catherine: Can we do some titrations next?Nicole: Tit rations? I got screwed when those were given out.
***Kerri, Catherine, and Fake Sex*** Kerri: So I need to do two things: stop smoking so many fake cigarettes after fake sex, and start using fake condoms.Catherine: Why? Did you have a fake pregnancy scare?
Kerri: No...but I don't want to get a fake STD. I don't want fake chlymidia!
Catherine: Why would you? Then you have to go see the fake doctor.
Kerri: Yeah, and get fake antibiotics.
Catherine: Yeah...you just wasted a lot of fake time and fake money. I say go for the fake condoms.
Dr. Magyar: Would you call the first equation a gross ionic equation?Catherine: I think they're ALL gross equations.
"They show you how to work it."~Kerri, explaining why she likes the examples given in her Chemistry book
"I wish I had more zits to pop."~Kerri
Alicia: I want to go see a psychic tomorrow, but do you think that I need to make an appointment?Kerri: Well, technically, the psychic SHOULD know you're coming.
"Cool cat!"~Lisa, being cool herself
"So, that would be the friend that has the Sunshine Band, right?"~Kerri, in response to Catherine's comment, "My friend Casey..."
"If I ever walked into Hooters they'd laugh at me. Seriously. They'd probably assume I was a lesbian!"~Lisa
"She looks DAME good!"~Kerri, amusing no one but herself while talking about Dame Julie Andrews, and how she looks good for her age
"Can I get a Diet Coke when I get a chance?"~Lisa, with a slip of the tongue while talking to our waiter at Chelo's
***Nicole, Kerri, Catherine, and Lisa are in Kerri's car listening to Delilah and some caller.*** Caller: I'm marrying this man, but I've never met him...we talk on the internet, and we're meeting at our wedding for the first time. We love each other because of inner beauty, and our song is 'The Way You Look Tonight.' Delilah, would you play that for us?Catherine: Yeah, right. Their song should be 'I Touch Myself.'
***Kerri is reading a bedtime story to 5-year-old Nicky, it's called "Walter the Baker." This is Kerri's attempt at humor.*** Kerri(looking at the cover of the book and seeing some guy in a chef's hat): I think that may be Walter, what about you?Nicky (just gives her this 'I-can't-believe-my-parents-left-you-in-charge-of-my-life' look): Obviously he's a baker.
Kerri (of course, she can't let herself look like an idiot just once in front a five-year-old): Glad to hear it...just wanted to make sure we were on the same page...get it? Book, page...?? Haha.
Nicky (gives Kerri a look of not be amused)
Kerri (muttering to herself): 5-year-olds can't appreciate my sophisticated sense of humor!
Nicky: I'm five-and-a-HALF, and I didn't laugh because it wasn't funny.
"Bridget Jones's Diary. Yeah, that movie is so my life. Except for the having sex with the hot guy thing. And the smoking and drinking. And the happy ending. Besides those things, Bridget Jones and I are leading the same life."~we've all said some variation of that
"I'll wack his weed!"~Kerri
Catherine: (burps loudly in the middle of Applebee's)Nicole: Yeah, dude, me too.
"One day I'm going to nail those motor skills, and I'll be able to eat a complete meal without staining yet another shirt."~Kerri
"Would Hitler really have made an alliance with Japan? Because I think he would have been like, Japan's not...cool."~Lisa
"It's casual, there's no pressure...it's fake sex!"~Kerri
"Dr. L, my chemistry professor was telling me about our kid...uh, HIS kid."~Lisa, on how NOT to reveal a crush
Lisa: I wish...I wish...I wish...Kerri: That you didn't stutter?
"I can't take this home! What am I going to tell my mom? That this is a ceramic candle holder of one of my professors that has a big penis candle?! Right. That'll be good."~Lisa, commenting on the candle holder Catherine made for her birthday cake
"You're Kerri's friend Danny, right? Yeah, Kerri talks about you all the time. Kerri and I slept together last night. I mean, we both slept at our friend's house...nevermind."~Nicole, on how to impress people with your verbal skills
***Kerri impresses her Biology teacher.*** Dr. Conklin: When we go to the bathroom, we are doing what? Kerri?Kerri: Um, do you want, like, a number?
Dr. Conklin: A number?
Kerri: Yeah, you know, like one or two?
Dr. Conklin: I know what numbers are...
Kerri: No, I mean like, one is urine excretement, and two is feces...is that what you wanted?
Dr. Conklin: Almost. Not! Haha! No, I meant biologically...
"If I was on Survivor, I'd win because I'd eat them all out!"~Lisa, trying to say she'd out-eat them
"I only got...yeah...um...not a lot."~Kerri, on how many words she could remember
***Lisa and Kerri casually walk down steps while discussing the lack of guy-likeage they receive.*** Lisa: "It's because we are intellectually superior to them..."Kerri looks on in agreement.
Lisa: "See, my philosophy on why guys don't like me is..." *(Lisa falls down steps)* "...because I can't walk."
"I'm going to go in there and lick all her pencils!"~Kerri, hoping to spread her mono to Dr. Benson, after the good doctor accused her of cheating
"It's like converting from African to...um...yeah...um...NON-African!"~Lisa
***Lisa asking Catherine a question while playing a board game.*** Lisa: So Catherine, have you ever been in a natural disater? You know...earthquake, hurricane, flood...?Kerri: Well, Hurricane Kerri hit her pretty hard last night...
"I do a lot of blowjobs."~Kerri, actually talking about how often she blow dries her hair.
"Me and God go way back. I'm just like Eve. Except the Adam thing. And the sin thing. And the fig leaf thing. But other than that, just like Eve."~Lisa
"I like it up the a!"~Kerri, in Old Navy, in response to the question, "Do you like this shirt?" (note: up the a means a lot)
"After we're done bowling, can we do something I'm good at? Oh, wait, nevermind. We already ate."~Lisa or Kerri...we can't remember
***Lisa and Kerri discussing a friend's lack of sex knowledge.*** Lisa: I'll tell her that nepotism is the same thing as a blowjob.Kerri: Yeah, she'll be like, 'Hey, boyfriend, how about some nepotism?' And he'll say 'Do you want me to get you a job?' And she'll be like, 'Either that, or I could give you one.'
***Kerri observes Lisa and Ellen punch their father a lot.*** Mr. Bucci: If there's anything you want to do while your here, just do it.Kerri: Well, I may want to punch you in the stomach later...